Happy Birthday Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris is 70 years old yesterday, and he could still take all of us in a fight. At the same time.

I think I watched just about every one of his movies in my yoot. He was one badass muthatrucka.

Chuck Norris isn’t one year older; the Grim Reaper is one year closer to getting roundhouse kicked in the face.

Here are my 100 favorite Chuck Norris facts. Every single one of these is true.

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A cobra once bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
3. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
4. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
5. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
6. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
7. China once bordered the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
8. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
9. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
10. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
11. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
12. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
13. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
14. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
15. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
16. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
17. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
18. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
19. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
20. Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.
21. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
22. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
23. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
24. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
25. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
26. Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
27. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
28. Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
29. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
30. Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
31. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
32. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
33. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
34. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
35. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
36. Chuck Norris invented water.
37. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, he ate a Jeep.
38. Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
39. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
40. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
41. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
42. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
43. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
44. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
45. Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
46. Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
47. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
48. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
49. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
50. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
51. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
52. a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
53. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley.
54. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
55. Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
56. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
57. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
58. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
59. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
60. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
61. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver… and wins.
62. Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
63. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
64. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
65. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
66. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
67. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
68. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
69. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
70. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
71. Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
72. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
73. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.
74. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
75. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
76. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
77. In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
78. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
79. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
80. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
81. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
82. Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
83. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
84. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
85. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
86. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
87. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
88. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
89. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
90. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
91. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably
92. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
93. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
94. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
95. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
96. There is no such thing as tornadoes Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
97. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
98. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
99. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
100. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Regards,

p.s. What are your favorite Chuck Norris facts? I’d love to hear them in the comments!

photo by raggster