…and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys. —Douglas Adams

Check out this article by Lynn Terry, over at Clicknewz.

In it, Lynn describes her highs & lows while quitting smoking. She went from 2+ packs a day, to zero, cold turkey.

Lynn’s blog post resonated with me on several levels. What she wrote on balance was particularly relevant to me;

Balance. That’s a tough one. I think everyone struggles with it to some extent. In the process of quitting smoking, I’ve discovered that I’m obsessive to a fault. The reason I can’t just smoke socially, or do anything in moderation really. Also the reason for my success in business, I’m sure. So at the moment I’m putting some serious thought into this (obsessively I’m sure) to figure out a solution. A balance. Between meltdowns, of course. Detox is harsh.

This bit is sticking with me because I also have an obsessive personality. Left to my own devices, I don’t do ANYTHING in moderation. Though I’ve never smoked, I do many other things to excess; I don’t just eat a meal, I continue shoveling until I can’t possibly eat another bite. When I drink, I don’t have a couple of beers, I swill one after another quickly. When I find a new interest or hobby, I don’t lightly return to it once in a while, it consumes my every waking moment until the next one comes along.

Why am I this way? It doesn’t matter. There are several people or circumstances I can point fingers at, but at the end of the day, I’m responsible for dealing with it. The best way to deal with it is to acknowledge that it’s there, and I that I have to keep an eye on myself.

I can’t let myself slide, or it’ll be very difficult to stop. Thankfully, my awesome wife knows when to step in and say “Hey moron, that’s enough for now.” She keeps an eye on me when I forget to police myself.

So, during those times when I have to say “No, you can’t have that” to myself, I go through a LOT of internal conflict. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t.  Lynn’s article touches on a lot of similar things.

Lynn’s article is inspiring, and paints a very human picture of the painful process she’s going through. If you want to quit smoking, or know someone who does, go read it. You’ll be glad you did.

Regards,

p.s. In the comments below, tell me the best part about Lynn’s article.

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Here’s a short video I just made that shows you how to test your GFCI outlets. Get out the popcorn folks, this one is a nail-biter!

For those who need a direct download link, here you go.

Please use the buttons below to share this post with your friends!

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The imbecile that owned our house before us was sent to jail for tax evasion. He was a general contractor in the housing trade. It’s easy to see why he was caught, because the “fixes” he’s done around the house are so ignorant that they border on the obscene. My plumbing is nowhere near code, my electrical system is a joke, and the general construction is…shall we say…interesting. The best part? All those discrepancies will need to be fixed before we can sell.

photo by Dan4th, http://www.flickr.com/photos/dan4th/

My wife often asks me why I choose to fix things around the house that no one will see for years. Why do I obsess more than I should to make it right, when we’re trying to just make it “good enough” to sell and move elsewhere?

Here’s an example why…

About a week ago while working in the yard, I noticed the outside spigot-the place where you attach your garden hose-was leaking. I tried to tighten it down, and that worked a little bit, but not completely. I had other pressing matters, so I forgot about it.

Today, I remembered it, so I went down to the basement to deal with it. We have a “bathroom” in the basement (don’t even get me started), and the outside spigot exits the house on that same wall. From the outside, it comes through the wall and into the “bathroom”, then runs through the side of a vanity (very handy), and disappears into the bathroom wall. It exits the wall in the ceiling, and runs over to the main line that is fed by the city water.

By the way, that comment I made on Facebook recently about not knowing how water gets into my house? LOL jk, I was lying.

As I followed the pipe around my basement today, I discovered that there is no valve between the main line and the outside spigot. It’s a straight shot from city water to my garden hose, other than the leaking spigot.

What does this mean? I can’t shut off the leaking spigot without shutting off water to the entire house, because the ignorant jackass who had the house before me wanted to save $1.17 by not buying a valve and installing it somewhere in the “bathroom”.

If I ever find this stupid loser, I’m going to throttle him with my bare hands until he stops twitching.

I dragged my wrenches outside, and tried to tighten the spigot. It was so decrapitated that it broke off as I gently wrenched it. I think it’s tight enough, but I know I’m on borrowed time. If it’s bad enough to degrade like that, it’s only a matter of time before it just falls apart. Guess what I’m doing this weekend?

So, when Blackie asks me why I’m so AR about making sure it’s done perfectly, instead of just fixing it good enough, stories like this run through my mind (and I got a hundred of ‘em). At least once a month, we find something that just had a band-aid slapped over it-just enough to cover it up-that needs to be completely ripped out and replaced. I curse his name all weekend, and swear that I’m not going to pass this crap on to the next guy.

I don’t want to do to the next homeowner what the previous homeowner did to me.

THAT’S why we fix it right, instead of fix it good enough.

p.s. Leave a comment and tell me one of YOUR home maintenance horror stories! You can leave comments by clicking on the {comment} link below this post.

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Oprah is giving away an entire talk show on her new network. I don’t mean time on her show; I mean the winner of the competition will have THEIR OWN TALK SHOW.

Auditions have been pouring in, but no one is even close to the guy below, Zach Anner. It’s easy to see why, he’s effin’ hilarious!

Zach's Oprah Audtion

Go to Oprah’s site and vote for Zach. I would LOVE to see his new show.

for those who need it, here’s a direct download, right click and save

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I’ve just had one of those things that thankfully, you’re reading about on my blog, and NOT reading about in today’s newspaper.

So, backstory; I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by humanity lately, so I’ve started thinking of Sundays as “Solitude Sundays”. I hang out by myself, do things on my own, and generally try to stay away from the family and everyone else. It helps to recharge my batteries.

Yesterday, on Solitude Sunday, I found myself with some extra time, and I didn’t want to go home yet, so I decided to drive down to Park Point and watch the lake.

Park Point is a very long and narrow promontory that runs parallel to Lake Superior. You can drive about half way, and park in the Duluth Airport Authority parking lot.

When I got out there, I jumped out of the truck, and walked out to the beach. It was very nice, and good for my batteries. :)

Then I noticed far down the beach, on the part that you can’t drive on, there was a guy with a dog, and they were playing fetch. I watched them for a while, and then looking past them, noticed a couple of lighthouses. It didn’t occur to me that I could see the lights on the lighthouses because it was approximately 6p, and the shadows were getting a bit long.

“Ya know,” says I, “I’ve walked down there a few times, but I’ve never walked all the way out to the end and back. It’s a nice evening and an easy walk. Why don’t I give it a try?”

And with that, I started walking down the beach. For those playing the home game, please note this as “The Defining Moment Of Dumbassery”.

Well, Park Point is a lot longer than I remembered; approximately 6km out to the end, from the airport. And I’m one of those people who says to himself, “I’m almost there, I can’t quit now!”

This all resulted in me standing out on the furthest pier (with a good arm, you can literally throw a rock and hit Wisconsin Point, IN ANOTHER STATE), at the end of Park Point, at 830p, in the dark.

I had no flashlight, no water, no food, and no way of being rescued that didn’t involve the Coast Guard and a long, embarrassing night. I also had nowhere to sleep, and at least a half-day of missed work if I chose to stay and wait for daylight.

I hadn’t eaten in many hours, and I already worked up a sweat getting out there. My blood sugar was very low, and I didn’t have much energy for walking back.

I was, as they say, effed.

Knowing that I DIDN’T want to end up as tomorrow’s front page fool, I decided to walk out. I gobbled a handful of mints that I had stuck in my jacket (thanks F-baum!), picked up a cool-looking staff that was laying on the ground where I sat, and started hobbling towards my truck.

At first I walked along the beach, because I was afraid of getting lost in the woods. Park Point is criss-crossed with trails, and I didn’t want to make a wrong turn. Soon though, the sand and rocks had me sore and huffing, so I had to sit and rest.

My only other option was the trail through the woods, but that would mean feeling my way along in pitch-black silence. Good thing I had the staff. It helped as I used it like a blind person’s walking cane, preventing me from tripping over trees and getting whacked in the face with branches.

I had to backtrack a few times because I lost the trail, but eventually I saw the lights of the runway for the airport, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

So, I slowly climbed into the truck around 11p I think, and drove home.

I got very lucky on this one. Lesson’s learned?

1. It doesn’t matter if you can see civilization a half-mile away, you can still be lost or injured and in real trouble.
2. If you decide to go off on an adventure, take stock of what you have, and fix anything you’re short on, BEFORE trotting off into the woods. Some food, water, and a flashlight would have made all the difference.
3. Tell someone where you are. I decided against calling Blackie because I was still trying to maintain my “solitude”. Once I figured out I was in trouble, only then did I call. But by then it was too late.

Learn from my mistake people!

Regards,

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A few months ago, I began to notice that I was becoming stressed about the littlest things. It seemed that my stress was just never-ending, and it was happening all day long. I started to feel very overwhelmed and smothered.

Prior to today, I’ve tried to come up with how to fix this, and I wasn’t able to really decide on anything. Today though, I’ve decided what I need to do, and I hope everyone can agree with this.

Realizing that my stress is being produced by the things I’ve surrounded myself with, I’ve decided that I’m going to remove all computers and gaming consoles from my life, with the exception of my mobile phone.

I’m going to interact with the internet and other people via my mobile phone only. It’s a big decision to be sure, and I know some folks are going to be confused.

Looking at this from another point of view, I know that this is a big shock to some, as I’ve been interfaced with one or more computers since I was in grade school.

For what it’s worth, it’s certainly a shock to me as well. I can’t even comprehend how this is going to change my life, or how it will effect me.

Oh, I’m well aware it’s going to be a difficult adjustment. I find myself reaching for the mouse or the keyboard completely subconsciously now. My hand just naturally moves towards where the mouse should be.

Obviously, I’ll need everyone’s help and support with this. Social City, Farmville, and Cthulhu all run very slow on my Android phone. They work, but folks will have to patient while I navigate around on the screen. Chatting via Facebook will be pretty slow too. I’m sure the blog posts will slow down a lot also.

Luckily, YOU can also get the benefits of doing something like this. I encourage you join in with me, and declare that you are taking a positive step to reduce your stress and increase your health, by removing all computers and game consoles from your life, and communicating solely by your mobile phone.

Surrounding each other with support, and giving each other help, we can do this. It’s going to be difficult, but I know we’re all strong enough. It’s the right thing to do at this time, and I know I can count on all of you to know where I’m coming from.

photo by StephenMitchell

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Have you ever heard of Foursquare? It’s a new social network that’s gained a lot of popularity in a short amount of time. I would guess the reason is because it’s a lot of fun!

I’ve been using it for a couple of weeks now, and I’m having a blast. I’ve also been crowned The Mayor Of Perkins. More on that later.

The fun in Foursquare begins with “check-ins”. A check-in is simply when you tell Foursquare that you’re at a “venue”. For instance, I go to Perkins a lot. When I check-in from Perkins, I’m using the Foursquare application on my phone, and I type that I’m at Perkins.

If you check-in to a certain venue more than anyone else, you’re crowned “The Mayor” of that venue. I’ve been The Mayor Of Perkins for a week or so now!

What’s the point of all this? You can see where your friends have checked in, and they can find you if you’re nearby, and you can compete against them for the most points. Some businesses in larger cities are starting to give “Mayor Specials” for Mayors of their business; for instance, in New York, Starbucks will give a free coffee to The Mayor Of Starbucks. The post a sign right on the front door.

I haven’t seen any Foursquare Mayor benefits in my area of the country yet, but I think that’s just because it’s not that well known. If more people start using Foursquare, maybe we can get something going! I’ve been requesting participation from some of the businesses in my local area.

You get points based on several factors. Your first check-in for the day gives you one point, your second check-in gives you two points, your third check-in gives you 3 points, etc. You also get points if you’re visiting a venue for the first time, or if you’re the first to add a venue to the database. Your points are reset at 11:59 on Sunday night, so anyone can steal the Mayor award from you!

Foursquare also awards “badges” for certain activities. If you check in to the same venue 3 times in a week, you get the “Local” badge. You can get badges for staying out late or frequenting too many karaoke bars, etc. Foursquare is adding badges all the time, and they really like suggestions.

Along with the fun points game, you can also share experiences and help your friends to discover new places using the “Tips” or “To-Dos” for venues. A tip is a recommendation; “Go to Wendy’s and get a Baconator!” A To-Do is sort of a reminder to yourself; “get the Crantini instead of the Daiquiri next time!”

The best part though is when you check-in to a location, Foursquare will try to pop-up a tip that one of your friends have left nearby. You can then follow people who leave good tips, or who’s tastes are similar to yours.

So, as you can see, Foursquare is a lot of fun! It suggests fun things from your friends for you to do and try, and there’s a “live gaming” aspect to it as people check-in to become the Mayor of places, and potentially get some cool stuff from the business.

Check out Foursquare, it’s fun!

Regards,

p.s. I would LOVE to become your friend on Foursquare! That way, we can keep up with each other’s recommendations, and you can try to take Mayorship of Perkins away from me!

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Check out this hilarious video brought to you by the good folks at the Google Fiber for the Twin Ports project!

If you haven’t signed up yet and registered your support, NOW is the time. Please do it right away, at this link. Only 3 days remain, so please register.

After you’ve registered, watch this hilarious video!

If you’re behind a corporate firewall, here’s a direct download link.

Regards,

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Hoody-frickin’-hoo! I’ve just finished eating the meal I made for the first grilling of the season. Bacon, tuna steak, and sliced carrots.

I love grilling. I don’t know if I’ve made that clear, but I really love it. Living in the frozen tundra of Da Nortland though, I don’t get to grill often enough. Most of the time, it’s just too honking cold outside to stand there flipping burgers.

Today was gorgeous though. I’m sure we’re in the beginning stages of some bizarre global-warming-fueled mega-disaster extinction level event that will culminate in a year and half (stoopid Mayans), but that’s not going to effect me TODAY. I mean, why worry about tomorrow, amirite?

So, I was primed and ready to go when I got home from work tonight. There was thawed animal flesh in the fridge, I still had 2 bags of charcoal from last year, and I was hungry. The universe was trying to tell me something!

Time to get busy! First though, just to make it to the grill, I had to move aside all of the white-trash paraphernalia cluttering up my back porch (plastic tub of root beer bottles, cooler from last year with rotting food in it, canoe paddles, etc). Then I had to go find a snow shovel to scoop all the dead leaves off my porch. “Dang, I really should have cleaned those last year”. Next, the big canoe taking up half the porch had to be moved. Only THEN could I pile the coals on the grill.

I have one of those coal-starter chimney things. The problem is, you need to start it with something easy to light, and then it focuses the flame on the coals, so they start in turn. I only needed a minute to think of using the dried leaves on the porch that I still hadn’t snow-shoveled yet. That’s what 10 years of being a Boy Scout will getcha.

Speaking of my Boy Scout mad skillz… How did the fire starting go? Well, let’s just say it’s a good thing it was so windy today, or I might still not have eaten yet.

Now that I had the fire going, I could concentrate on the rest of the grill. Opening the lid, I was a wee bit grossed out. Some type of shiny, slimy stuff around the edge, dried leaves had blown in, and the removable grill grates were caked with rust. Oh, and I could only find 2 of the 4 grates. I have no idea where the other 2 are. There was about 3 inches of wet ash slop in the bottom of the fire box. *thumbs up* Sounds good! Let’s get to work!

The rust will eventually flake off, right? And the slimy stuff should dry in the heat, right? The dried leaves burned right off, and I’ll get the wet ash slop later. Let’s cook some meat!

Ok, to be honest, I didn’t actually use the rusted grates. Well, I did use them, but I also used my cool Pampered Chef grill basket on top of them, so my food didn’t actually touch the grates.

It felt great being out there, next to a fire, with the smell of the food cooking, and the smoke in the air. This is why I grill. It gives me a chance to just stand there, focus on the fire (I REALLY like fire, did I mention that?), and find my Zen.

The Morning Star had a good time too. Once she figured out we were cooking meat on the porch, she lost her mind and did that run back and forth spazz-out thing she does. Meat and dad, what could be better?

The food turned out great. I dumped it all into a large bowl and just grazed. I sat on my porch and ate some food that I’d just cooked. Nice evening…

Regards,

p.s. In the comments, tell me one of your cool grill stories! Let’s hear ‘em!

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…and it felt awesome!

My doc was seeing Blackie today, and he reminded her to remind me that it was a very nice day, and it wasn’t raining, so perhaps I should get some walking in? He drives home via the same route I walk, so he can check up on me.

Honestly, that’s what I like about my doc. I seem to respond much more to the “tough-love” kinda thing, instead of the “hold your hand and make polite hints” type of interaction. So he said that he expected to see me out there, and I did it. That’s why we pay him the big money.

I certainly could use the push. Back in the day, I walked home from work about 3 times per week. It felt really good, and I lost a good bit of weight.

Somewhere along the line though, I fell out of the habit. Isn’t that weird how that happens? It’s really good for us, and we know we should do it, but stuff comes up.

First I wasn’t walking because I had appointments after work, then I wasn’t walking because it might rain, then I wasn’t walking because it might snow. Before you know it, 3 weeks have gone by and then you just forget.

So, it felt great to be back in the saddle. This time around, I have a location-enabled smartphone, so I can track my progress. That’s it in the chart up above.

I look all bad-ass when my distances are expressed in kilometers!

I use Google Tracks on my Android phone. I like Tracks because it will give you a spiffy looking Google map, and also because I can then upload my track stats to Google Docs automatically. Spreadsheets yo!

Regards,

p.s. Do you have any favorite software for tracking your workouts? Lemme know in the comments!

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direct download link

Recently I had the pleasure of listening to Lyz Jaakola, an Anishinaabe singer and music teacher from the Fond du Lac Band of Lake Superior Ojibwe.

I was able to take this video, but I must apologize to Ms. Jaakola. The video and sound are of poor quality, as they were done on my phone.

Even accounting for my poor camera, her performance is still striking. She received a standing ovation from the crowd! I can see why she’s won a Nammy (the Native American Music Awards, equivalent to the Grammy).

Ms. Jaakola was a lot of fun to listen to. She told several stories about growing up on Fond du Lac, and the victories and struggles of her life. Folks who live near Fond du Lac will appreciate her songs “Rez Car” and “The Red and White Blues”.

If you get a chance to see Lyz Jaakola perform in person, I highly recommend it. She puts on a great show. Thank you Lyz!

Regards,

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Hey everyone, don’t forget that Garrett and Chris are having their Spaghetti Dinner and Silent Auction Fundraiser tomorrow!

The confirmed guest list is HUGE, and getting bigger! When you get there, you’ll see such esteemed local rock stars as; Wulfgar.

In addition, I’m told they have a frightening array of items to bid on in the Silent Auction.

All of this is for a good cause, of course.

So, I’ll see YOU at Mr. D’s Bar and Grill in Duluth (5622 Grand Avenue), starting at 330pm, and running through 630pm.

Regards,

p.s. If you’d like to help out, but can’t make it to the dinner, donations are being taken at any Wells Fargo branch; use “Franks’ Benefit Fund” – account # 5154993520.

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Chuck Norris is 70 years old yesterday, and he could still take all of us in a fight. At the same time.

I think I watched just about every one of his movies in my yoot. He was one badass muthatrucka.

Chuck Norris isn’t one year older; the Grim Reaper is one year closer to getting roundhouse kicked in the face.

Here are my 100 favorite Chuck Norris facts. Every single one of these is true.

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A cobra once bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
3. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
4. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
5. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
6. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
7. China once bordered the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
8. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
9. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
10. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
11. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
12. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
13. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
14. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
15. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
16. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
17. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
18. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
19. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
20. Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.
21. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
22. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
23. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
24. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
25. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
26. Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
27. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
28. Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
29. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
30. Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
31. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
32. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
33. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
34. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
35. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
36. Chuck Norris invented water.
37. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, he ate a Jeep.
38. Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
39. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
40. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
41. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
42. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
43. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
44. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
45. Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
46. Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
47. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
48. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
49. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
50. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
51. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
52. a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
53. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley.
54. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
55. Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
56. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
57. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
58. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
59. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
60. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
61. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver… and wins.
62. Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
63. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
64. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
65. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
66. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
67. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
68. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
69. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
70. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
71. Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
72. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
73. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.
74. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
75. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
76. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
77. In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
78. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
79. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
80. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
81. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
82. Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
83. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
84. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
85. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
86. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
87. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
88. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
89. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
90. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
91. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably
92. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
93. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
94. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
95. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
96. There is no such thing as tornadoes Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
97. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
98. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
99. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
100. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Regards,

p.s. What are your favorite Chuck Norris facts? I’d love to hear them in the comments!

photo by raggster

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It’s taken me a long time to learn some of the common-sense ideas that most people pick up in kindergarten. I was reminded recently of the wisdom in the idea “Use the right tool for the job.”

A customer contacted me and asked me to look at a heavily-modified spreadsheet. Up front, I have to give props to the programmer. It was a piece of art. It pulled in data from different sources, used advanced queries to manipulate and sort, and did quite a bit of complicated filtering and reporting.

The customer wanted to step up to the next level, and tackle some very difficult data from a source that wasn’t friendly towards the methods used in the code. The customer’s programmer wasn’t real sure which direction he should go in order to accomplish the request, so I was called in.

After reviewing everything, and understanding the customer’s request, and the programmer’s methods, I came to the conclusion that I simply couldn’t help the customer.

The problem wasn’t that we didn’t have the skill. The problem was that Excel simply couldn’t represent the data any better than what was already being done. The programmer had extracted every last bit of programming mojo out of the spreadsheet. Excel simply couldn’t represent the data in the multi-dimensional fashion that the customer wanted.

Clearly, the data should have been data based long ago. A database solution would have made the customer’s request a mildly complex query. Instead, a lone programmer resource had devoted several day’s worth of FTE hours towards forcing Excel do the job.

It demonstrated to me that when all you have is a hammer, every problem tends to look like a nail. The customer insisted on Excel, because that’s what she was familiar with. The programmer was focused solely on making it work within the boundaries of the customer’s limited perceptions, instead of what the best tool for the job was.

This lesson in wasted time and jury-rigged solutions has resonated with me since then. I told myself to be aware of the limitations of the tools in my toolbox. When the capabilities of a certain tool are outstripped, it’s time to man-up and tell the customer what needs to happen to protect their data and bring the project in under deadline.

Other lessons? How about telling the customer what’s best for their project, instead of what they want to hear? Or, knowing the capabilities and limitations of your tools? Or, thinking of the goal of the project, instead of the method that the customer thinks they want?

What do you think of this? Do you have a similar experience where the tool being used on the job was clearly not the right one? How would you have handled this differently? Have you ever tried to make a certain tool work, even after the project had clearly outpaced it’s capabilities? Sound off in the comments please!

Regards,

p.s. I REALLY like getting and responding to comments. Please click the {comments} link below this post to leave me some!

photo by casers jean

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	I recently visited a Trader Joe’s in Maple Grove, MN, and I’m very impressed. I originally wanted to go because I’ve been told that they’re very friendly towards those of us with alternative eating requirements. When I started to look around though, I discovered a lot more. The product selection is excellent, with several variations of each item. They don’t just carry a
photo by Velo Steve	couple examples of  freeze-dried fruit, they

carry freeze-dried mangoes, and strawberries, and blueberries, and raspberries, and blackberries, and gooseberries. They have many types of cheese. They have many types of soup.

The produce section is phenomenal. It was washed and cleaned and ready to go. It was packaged in both 1-2 people sizes, and also family sizes. We saw packages of 5 apples, for instance. A week’s worth of apples for lunch, I guessed. Blackie thought that the prices were 10-15% less than our local grocery store produce.

The meat section had a really good variety. Lots of versions of sausage, for instance. Lots of versions of fish. Everything looked clean and clearly frozen, instead of the questionable, caked-with-frost meats we can get locally. There was also a sign posted that said if you had any questions regarding allergies, please contact a staff person and they’d be glad to help you shop. That’s going above and beyond.

Most items in the store were under the Trader Joe’s label. One of the cashier’s explained it to us; if Trader Joe’s likes a product, and they want to carry it, Trader Joe’s asks the manufacturers to reformulate their recipes to the Trader Joe’s standard. Their standard for most products is;

• no preservatives
• no MSG
• no partially hydrogenated oil
• no growth hormones in the dairy products
• almost no High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS)
• many items gluten-free
• many items vegetarian-friendly

Once the manufacturer has met the standard, Trader Joe’s then repackages the items under their own brand, saving a TON of money in the process.

What kinds of savings can you expect? We saw some items that were 200% lower priced than our local stores, with a much wider variety. We easily made up our gas money for the trip down there. It was well worth the trip.

The cashier further explained that there are no sales, no coupons, and no membership cards. Trader Joe’s does very little advertising, and you can’t purchase from them online. This translates into significantly–and surprisingly–lower prices than we’re used to.

All in all, we were very surprised at the low prices, the selection, the very clean nature of the ingredient lists of the food labels, and the friendly staff.

I will continue to shop at Trader Joe’s, even driving the 2 hours to my closest store.

What are your experiences with Trader Joe’s? Do you like other stores better? Please click the {comments} button below and tell me!

Monthly grocery run, anyone?

Regards,

p.s. You simply MUST check out the Trader Joe’s website. Very fun. Lots of lists for people with food restrictions, lots of information about their products, recipes centered around many of their products, and the coolest looking newsletter I’ve seen in a long time. www.TraderJoes.com

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This is, without a doubt, the coolest commercial I’ve ever seen. It’s like a Trojan Horse of AWESOME!

Thanks Li Li!

Regards,

p.s. Do you have any good videos you’d like to point me towards? Let me know by clicking the {comments} button below. If it meets the demanding and exacting standards of The Chronicles Of Wulfgarnia, I can post it for all to see!

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Yesterday, I shared my Secret Memory Technique called “peg words”. I use this technique to remember lots of different lists of items.

One of those is the list of items I need to bring with me when I leave the house every morning to go to work. I don’t want to forget my;

1. squirt gun
2. wallet
3. cell phone
4. keyring
5. sunglasses
6. pocketknife and Leatherman tool
7. flashlight
8. ipod
9. access badge for the building I work in
10. my lunch and thermos of tea

Using the method I described yesterday, I’m able to remember that list every day, without fail. I can recall the list any time I want, and verify that I have all that stuff in 20-30 seconds. The only time I forget something is when I don’t run through my list before I sprint out the door!

"Well that’s great for you Wulfgar, but what about when I REALLY need it, like remembering a grocery list that my wife told me over the phone?" Easy! Just use the same method.

Let’s say you were asked to bring home milk, eggs, bread, soda pop, and bananas. There are 5 things on your list, so use the first 5 items on your peg list.

• "One gun". Imagine slowly and menacingly reaching into your pocket to pull out a gun, and…you pull out a banana!
• "Two shoe". You know what the floor of a movie theatre feels like? It’s sticky, from all the pop spilled on it. Your shoes stick to the floor because of the soda pop!
• "Three tree". Look at that tree with all the chickens nesting in it! Chickens don’t live in trees! Wait, I need eggs…
• "Four door". When we open the door to the fridge, what do most of us grab? The milk. See yourself opening the door, and grabbing the milk.
• "Five hive". Hives house bees, and bees make honey, and honey goes on toast, and to make toast you need bread!

And there you have it; you can think of these examples as fast as they’re being told to you on the phone. That’s why you memorize the original 10 peg word list. As you’re chatting with the person giving you the list, keep focusing on each word association until the next one is given to you.

Now you can remember your grocery list. Or your errand list. Or your homework assignments list. Or anything you want! The point is to make it YOUR list, and associate words that mean something to you.

Make them memorable by thinking of funny, or dramatic, or disturbing images, and you’ll remember them as long as you need. All you have to do is replay your peg words, and the mental pictures will come back to you!

p.s. I would LOVE to hear stories about how you are using this technique! Please leave me comments and tell me all about it! You can leave comments by clicking on the {comment} link below this post.

photo by Sashala

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